This morning was cool and crisp. It was 57 degrees at 6:00 am. It has become a ritual to feed the cats inside and the dogs outside. They take care of their morning business and have their breakfast while I enjoy the new day and have coffee. I don’t know what it is but coffee seems to taste better in cooler weather. The smell and flavor seem both fuller and more pleasant. That may be my imagination, but I do know that while I set there, thoughts build up in my head like storm waves pounding the beach. The theme that dominates this morning is about writing.

It is a fact that I do not like to write. I dislike it on several levels. I want my spelling to be perfect and I make mistakes even when I use the spell checker. I want my grammar and punctuation to be perfect as well, and I fall short. But these mechanics of writing are not the real reason I dislike writing so much. It is the feeling of permanence that I believe the written word conveys.

When I write something it seems concrete and anchored. It feels like it defines me and creates a suit of armor around my being. While a suit of amor is designed to protect a person I see it as a target, a huge flashing target. If I have learned anything over the course of my life it is that I am fluid, spiritually, physically, emotionally and mentally. I am bound only by my self-imposed restrictions.

When speaking with a friend several months ago about the move my wife and I were contemplating he said that is great as it will give you a chance to redefine yourself. I thought about it and decided that it was a pretty good thing. But since that time I have reflected on it more and have reached the understanding that I do not want to be “defined.” I’m not sure I can be defined beyond the present moment. All things have a beginning and an ending and this is the way it is.

I started the practice of meditation over 40 years ago, and have practiced it with varying degrees of consistency since. I spent years thinking that through meditation I would find a place outside of myself that I would bond with and it would provide me a safe harbor. I sought harbor from negative feelings and thoughts. I sought harbor from painful experiences. I sought harbor from any form of unpleasantness. I spent years trying to escape these feelings and beliefs but with no success. I would often have the illusion of success but it was always, at best, temporary and fleeting. I used people, places and things in an effort to find relief but none had any lasting effect. Continued practice of meditation has provided change not by giving me a safe harbor but by enabling me the tools to stay upright through both storm and fair weather.

Today my understandings are different. I am better able to accept myself with all the assets and flaws that come with being human. This understand also allows me to be better able to accept others this way also. This compassion for being with both myself and others, enables me to be okay with what I see as my fluid, flawed and inconsistent nature.

I notice the subtle changes around me that foretell the change of seasons. Leaves are falling at an increased rate and the temperature is changing. This is the way of nature. This is my way.

So today I write and accept the fact that I may be inconsistent and I may not be perfect, but I know that in this moment I am at peace with myself.